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Thursday, April 29, 2004

If this blog wasn't anonymous, no one would be saying the shit that they are. Get the fuck over it. People are pissing me off. I didn't start this thing to give advice or anything like that. I started it so that I could write whatever the hell I wanted. If you don't like it, don't read it. Pretty damn easy, as far as I can tell. And if you're just reading to see if I 'reveal' myself, it ain't gonna happen, so don't bother. Unless people happen to, somehow, magically figure out who I am, it's gonna remain a mystery. I like it that way. People have such predetermined ideas of who a person is, it's nice to think that there is no name or face that people can associate with this. Any ideas, however possibly misguided, that people get from this are only from what is written, nothing else. It's very freeing (if that's a word...?). And I know that since this is anonymous there really is no need to defend myself, or what I've written. But just because it's anonymous doesn't mean that there isn't a person behind it. Duh. I write the stuff I do in here for me, not for the other people who read it. Ok, I'm done with my little rant. Gotta wake up early tomorrow to do homework, cause I'm too lazy to do it tonight. Last day of late start tomorrow. Then back to waking up waaaaaaay too early. Bedtime.

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It's a good day. I had some things I was going to say in here, but why spoil the nice sunny day? Can't dwell on the bad things in life, just accept them and move on. Focus on the good. When one door closes, another opens. Just make sure to look for that new open door, and don't be scared to go through it. Go for it.
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Wednesday, April 28, 2004

It's not unusual to get angry at people. But someday it would actually be nice to just lay into someone. I don't think is gonna come out the right way. Oh well. Anyway, when I get mad at someone I say nothing. To them or anyone else...ok, rarely anyone else. But I think about what I want to say (yell), and then when I see them...nothing. Nobody really deserves to get yelled at, especially if they think they did the right thing. But a lot of times people just don't consider the other person. Or they act and then think, oh wait, that might have made this person mad, or upset, or hurt. But then it's too late. And it would be nice to sometime just yell at them, say that it's not okay. I have way too much pent up energy right now. I want to go swing. Too bad there aren't any swings at my house.
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There are people that simply complain about the situation they're in, such as no one liking them or not having lots of friends. but the reason for this is (most likely) either, a) all they do is complin about that the fact that no one likes them, b) they're just jackasses, or c) all of the above. A lot of times you've created the situation that you're in now, whether it's good or bad. I've spen a lot of the the past couple of weeks complaining about something that happened, but the truth is that I only have myself to blame for how everything played out. It sucks, but it's true. I used to think that I was the only one who had trouble expressing my emotions to people. But then talking to others and most of the people I know don't like to do that either, but then they'll also say at some time, "oh, but I can always talk to (blank) about anything". Sometimes I miss having that. That may be corny, but life can be corny. And now I've lost my train of thought...
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Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Looking back, my time at high school has not turned out at all like I thought it would. Not really in a bad way, just a lot different. Thinking about how I thought my senior year would be ending, it's so different than how it turns out this year is winding down. And I'm looking forward to going off to college. I have great friends and all, but at the same time I just want to leave and never look back.
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So I'm most likely going to say some things in the post that are blatantly obvious, but sometimes I can be slow on the uptake, so bear with me. So thinking about what has been going on the past couple weeks, I realize that there will always be people that don't like me, even hate me, or don't like or hate what I say...I will always have enemies...most likely, everyone will always have at least one 'enemy'. I've always known this. And yet I have spent so much time in my life convinced that should someone hate me it's my fault, and that I have to change. I've spent a lot of time trying to make people like me, when sometimes there are just going to be people that will not like me, and maybe I won't like them, no matter how hard I try. All I can do is be myself, and hopefully surround myself with people that like me for me, and not for who I'm trying to be. What worries me is finding those people. I know this is going to sound harsh, but I do it, that's the only reason I know people do it (or I'm assuming I'm not the only one). A lot of times it's simply hard to tell whether a person actually really does like you as a friend, or they're just 'putting up' with you. I'm not sure if that's exactly what I'm trying to say...moving on. Enough with that fun little thought. I alway think of something that I want to post in here when I'm falling asleep at like, 1 in the morning, but then when I actually sit down at my computer it's gone. So now I have to go finish my Reflection Paper. The graduation project is officially the stupidest thing anyone ever thought of.
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Monday, April 26, 2004

I'm not sure why I feel like I have to defend myself, and yet here I am again. I'm not sure why people who read this seem to think that I'm writing things for their benefit...to tell other people something. I'm writing in here my own thoughts and feelings about things, and if my thought happen to be a generalized observation that apparently many people are already aware of, then so be it. It makes me wonder if there would be these comments should this not be an anonymous blog. Or maybe it's that since this blog is anonymous it makes it easier for people to say whatever the hell they want. Which isn't a bad thing. I'm just not sure why everyone appears to be taking what I say in the wrong way. I don't think I stand out because of whatever, I don't think I know everything, I don't even think I necessarily have self confidence. And yet I have all these people attacking me on these points. Why? My thoughts might not agree with yours, but I don't understand why posting my thoughts on things is seen in the way it has been.
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My uncle gave me this puzzle when I was 10. It was this 1000 piece puzzle, just of pretzels. Every single piece looked the same, and I've still never finished it. After a while, I just gave up. But that's how I feel like my life is right now. This big puzzle, and you know that all the piece fit together in one way or another, but it's so complicated and confusing, and you have no idea what piece goes where. And if you try hard enough, even if you have to try every piece with every other piece, eventually the puzzle will get solved.
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Sunday, April 25, 2004

Wow. Well intentions in this blog have been...misinterpreted by some, although I can, in a way, see their point. I don't intend to come off on a 'high horse' and give the impression that I know everything. Because I don't. But I also have opinions about things. No one who reads this must agree with me, or even like what I'm saying. And I do realize that in post, I have been singling out what others do wrong, and not myself. But I have made, and still make, millions of mistakes, and I do SO MANY things wrong, and I admit it. I've done at least some of the things that I complained others do in previous posts. Maybe I should have said that I know some of this because I've experienced it, instead of just sounding like I know better. And I have so many regrets because of what I've done, and because of what I haven't done. And I have to live with those every day, as does everyone else who has ever had a regret. The only solace I have is that it is better to have a regret because of what you did, because then at least something was learned, than to have a regret because of what you did not do. Because then it is always in the back of my mind, wondering what could have been. But the point of this was to say that I don't know everything, and I don't claim to know everything, and I don't even want to sound like I think I know everything. But I will also have no hesitation in pointing out something that I, personally, find ridiculous. Take it or leave it.
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Saturday, April 24, 2004

So after some contemplation since my last post, I have come to the realization that I may know more about unrequited love than I am willing to admit, or at least until now. Not that I have spent too much time ever on one person - I am not one of the (many) people in our senior class that has basically spent their whole high school career in love with one person. But I do know the feelings involved, and it is horrible to see one of your friends (or yes, even yourself) in so much pain because of one person. To spend so much time caring for someone, willing to do anything for them, just wanting them to care for you like you do for them, and then to get nothing in return. Is there any other time that one person can simultaneously cause so much happiness and so much pain? It's almost like a drug. And speaking of...so unless you're a complete idiot, you know that people at our lovely school drink and do drugs (and actually, at least half of you, okay probably more, are most likely one of them). But there are people that have never in their lives touched anything illegal, and yet if they happen to be in a discussion with others talking about their 'exploits' then they will readily join in with the tale of how they got "so drunk last weekend" when in reality they've never touched it in their lives. And then when around people who have disdain for those "high school idiots who just get smashed all the time" they will immediately agree with this group, and proudly claim that they have never touched the stuff. It's not exactly a bad thing to have done either one, you're just either someone who drinks or doesn't. And if you're stupid enough to do the above a lot, eventually people will put two and two together and realize you're just a typical follower. Don't be that person. No one has control over your life but you. Make your decisions with care, because in the end you only have yourself to blame for the outcome.
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Unrequited love. Sucks. It's not that I necessarily have much experience in that area, but I do have some insight into it. More later.
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Friday, April 23, 2004

Some may ask, why does this blogger choose to remain anonymous? Is it cowardice? No. Rather, it is the fact that no matter how hard you may try, you will always edit things if you know that people will know that you are the one that wrote it. Everyone has a fixed definition of a person in their minds, whether or not that person gives off that image on purpose or not. And once people think they know you, that's it. You're either smart or dumb, silly or...well, boring, insightful or ditzy. Okay, maybe those last two don't exactly relate, but that's the idea. You can't be someone who may be a tad ditzy and silly, but also sometimes actually want to talk about deep things. There are too few friendships where you can have both. And more often than not, we only have ourselves to blame. We create this persona for the public to see, and then are too afraid to reveal the real person behind that mask, except occasionally to a select few. So we edit everything that happens in our lives, rather than just simply face the fact that it would be better to do something and then regret it later, than to not do it at all. One last, more superficial thought: a relationship where either person cannot be friends with either a member of the opposite sex or with their bf/gf's friend that happens to be a member of the opposite sex, well that relationship needs help. Guys and girls are friends sometimes, believe it or not, so just deal with it.
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